Dan Fante

Selection from Kissed By A Fat Waitress

One For The Gipper

After
the
reading
in
London

there she is

a
goddamn
10

British-Chinese mix
or Asian and something else  

about twenty-five

in – of all things - a form-fitting Tim Hasselbach New York Giants football jersey
and skintight black pants

with
a glass
of
wine
and her green-eyed Cockney charm
propelling
her
my way

‘So are you really like that -’
she whispered
‘all those sexual
dirty things you write about’
her tits pushing against the arm of my jacket
 
I waited a full half minute before answering
because – I’ve discovered that drunk women at readings
usually want a writer to have something
searing or wise up his sleeve

So finally I said
‘I’m staying at The Groucho – are you ready to find out’

‘Oh my God,’ she smiled, ‘you’re quite the nasty old bastard’

‘I guess maybe I am,’ I said
‘But my question to you is; are we talking or screwing at The Groucho this evening’

She rolled her eyes, stepped back, then finished her glass in one swallow
 
‘Will you sign a book for me’

‘Sure – at the hotel,’ I said

‘I’m afraid that’s not possible’

So I took her book, autographed it, then handed it back

And she looked pleased and grateful until she read the signature

‘Hey, you’re not John Grisham,’ she said

‘And you ain’t Tim-fuckin’-Hasselbach’
I said back

Customer Service

This morning I dialed the 800 number and after ten minutes on hold
I get some ditz bitch named La Donna on the line
all the way in the Phillipeans
to fix
the current bogus charges on my Visa card

the overbilling – from the dinner I bought the old lady for our anniversary at The Asylum Restaurant in
Jerome, Arizona six weeks ago

But see - La Donna – after additional hold time - in her heavy Tegala accent gets back to me and says she can’t help me because she sees I’ve moved but neglected to update my primary account information with Chase-fuckin-Card Services
so
therefore
I’m S O L
and
ain’t nothin’ – not a goddamn thing that LA Donna’s in Manila is gonna do for me
until I call the 877 number she’s giving me now and speak to
Milton
who after more minutes on hold tells me he’ll be glad as all hell and delighted to help me provided of course I’m aware that my open account of 14 years ago still has a different address than my current fucking whereabouts
which I of course know already
and is the reason I called in the first place and is the reason I’m calling
so – Milton says - until that account and my address are correctly updated ain’t a goddamn thing he can do for me either –
the current charges on your account are status quo sir because – see – you have not answered the secret question which is:
what was your address 14 years ago!!!

So I slam the receiver down and try to remember that I’m over twenty years without a drink in my hand
and that there are ‘no big deals’ and that ‘tomorrow’s another day’ –
and ‘live and let live’ –
and first things first –
and you can’t think yourself into right acting – you have to act yourself into right thinking

I mean
what really is the goddamn point in throwing an eighty-nine ninety five battery phone against a wall and watching the thing blast apart into a thousand tiny pieces

I mean how childish can you get?

WELL - THE POINT IS -
IT FUCKIN’ HELPS
THAT’S
THE
FUCKING 
POINT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

copyright

©

dan fante

2008